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Monday, September 25th, 2006

    Time Event
    6:59a
    My beloved Mike is gone.
    Um.

    More than that is hard to say just now. I think it will be a bit before I am coherent.

    There is a post on Making Light.

    Please pass the word to the people who loved him, liked his work, and so on. There will certainly be some sort of memorial service, but it won't be for at least a couple of weeks. Late October is the best I can give right now. More when I have it.

    Hug your dear ones.
    7:22a
    "The Declaration" by John M. Ford, and "Response [...]" by Elise Matthesen
    Some of you know that back in 1998, Mike was invited to be Guest of Honor at the Sixth Klingon Year Games, which at that point was a fun and smallish camping event to the southeast of where we live. When discussing possible festivities, one thing led to another, and, well, we had a ceremony. The way Mike put it was, "The Klingon Empire has decided that it is time for us to formalize our relationship," but truly, I was the one who asked him. Which means he takes my house name, or line name -- sorry, I am not thinking all that clearly just now, and the nomenclature has fallen out of my head. Anyhow, he wrote a lovely set of vows for us, which he titled "Declaration of Unity," and printed up a little program-booklet with that and a poem I had written for him earlier called "Response to an Unwritten Poem of Yours Called 'Sorrow for Breathing'". As Mr. Ford said himself, in writing, "This Declaration may be used by others wishing to make such a statement. The author politely requests a word of acknowledgement and, perhaps, the turn of a glass at the celebration." Here are the two things, together, as they were together in the booklet; as he was fine with me posting them to various Klingon and Trek-related places before, I am confident that he and his literary executor would be fine with me doing so now. Also, well, I seem to need to just now, so here they are.
    The Declaration

    If any should ask why we are here, together, now, let it be said that we were brought here by a force stronger than suns, which is Will.
    Ours was not a random course, though chance strengthened it.
    We were not always sure of the way, and some of our steps have been slow, but our next step spans worlds.
    Time will not stop for the strongest: and though we must go where it takes us, without companions chosen by the will and the heart, the journey is empty, and there is nothing to measure the victories by.

    One partner: I stand here with you because together we possess infinity in a finite space of time, and our combined reach surpasses the mortal.

    Other partner: I stand here with you because we have seen in each other a shared task: and though the void may separate us, and matter must always fail, we shall never truly be apart, one from the other.

    Together we take joint and equal command of the time still before us, to watch and to defend, to endure the cold and the fire, to stand until the last.
    For against that power armies are as nothing, and Death itself comes begging and ashamed.

    Each partner in turn: None commanded that I should be here: I willed it be.
    Let strength and joy follow from it.

    As light spreads from the birth of a star, so the stars surrounding see it, and remember.
    What they cannot do is judge.
    Judgement comes only from the mind and heart.
    For that, we are here among all of you.
    Let noble wills magnify the light.
    Answer us, and know the stars hear you:
    Is this well done?

    -- John M. Ford, 1998



    ...


    Response to an Unwritten Poem of Yours Called "Sorrow for Breathing"

    You tell me I should not love you
    should not;
    You'll only bring me sorrow,
    only die on me.

    "I need what you give me
    more than I need sunlight,"
    you say,
    I tell you I've always suspected
    your vampiric nature.
    You laugh.

    "How could I not love you?"
    you say.
    "As well not take in air, as well
    not breathe;
    to sorrow for loving you would be
    like sorrow for breathing."
    And you take my outstretched hand,
    drawing me on
    to another city,
    another chapter,
    another of the long lamplit nights
    where we pause, panting for breath,
    waiting for the quill of the chronicler
    to catch up.

    "As well not live as not love,"
    I say to you.
    As well try to convince the lungs
    not to draw in that next
    measure of air
    as teach my hand not to reach
    for the curve of your cheek,
    my foot not to take that
    next step
    bringing me into the circle
    of your arms.

    Each breath, you remind me,
    is one closer
    to the time when all the breath there is
    will do one of us no good,
    and the other of us will turn alchemist
    transmuting good air to sobs
    or sighs
    or silence

    Each step is one closer,
    is one more bead on the string
    that leads to the dangling cross
    of grieving.
    The tiny carved features look up at me.
    As well not love as deny this grief,
    wrapped in the joy of what is
    like a sweet the color of garnets
    wrapped in bright foil.
    I finger the beads,
    listen to your warnings,
    hearing under them
    your need,
    your desire.

    "I am not sorry for loving you,"
    you say,
    and I know you are thinking
    of inevitable losses.
    You conjure a smile from somewhere.
    Our eyes meet.
    And still
    that pinned figure
    arms splayed, mouth in rictus,
    swings at the end of the string.

    There are mystics who talk
    about Peace in the Passion.
    There are country folk who walk the fields
    after the storm,
    quietly,
    watching for the bow
    across the sky
    and the sparkle of rain
    on bent stalks.

    I remember the night
    you brandished an imaginary clock at me,
    hissing,
    "Look at the hands!
    You can see them move. Is
    this
    what you want?"

    What I want
    is all
    of this: each breath,
    each step,
    each bead on the string,
    and the cross, too,
    if that's part of the deal.

    "Only another fifty years,"
    I say, "and then I promise
    to let you go."

    "I can't guarantee you five,"
    you rasp, waving
    at the bottles of meds
    on your tray.
    "Hell, I can't
    guarantee you five months." And I
    catch your hand in mine
    and say, "No one
    ever could, dear heart,
    ma croidhe.
    But as well not breathe,
    as not love."

    Amd whichever ending
    the chronicler writes,
    pray one of us
    will have the wit
    to step outside whatever small room
    shelters that private passion play,
    stand in the cool night,
    look up,
    and draw in
    a lungful of stars.

    -- Elise Matthesen, sometime around 1995 or 6



    I love him. I miss him. I will love him forever.
    (And, you see, both of us knew what we were getting into. Hearing me say that, he would smile, I know. It would be a smile of agreement.)
    OK. Am going to go sleep now, and wake to do the things that need doing.

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