Here, have something seasonal and very silly that was written sometime in the late 90's, I think it was. We sat up in the big bed on the third floor of Jim & Harriet's house; I recited a traditional mummers' play, and Mike got up to foolishness. It's funnier if you know traditional mummers' plays.
King Boreas and the Vulcans
(the Mummer’s Play, by John M. Ford, with help around the edges from Elise Matthesen)
Kirk: In comes I, old Captain Kirk
All my fans know I’m a...great actor,
Brilliant novelist, and a swell guy besides
I come here from space
My rug glued in place
I come with my ship
To shoot from the hip
I come with my crew
Scott: It’s something to do.
Chekov: We know he’s a jerk.
McCoy: Yes, but it’s work.
Kirk: A ship, a ship
For me and my supporting cast
For we are the merry Starfleet
That seek out new worlds
We are the merry Starfleet
That necks with your girls
We are the merry Starfleet
All frequencies hail
This is the play of the Starship Enterprise
Its five-minute mission
To see out your house
To seek new funds and new celebrations
To boldly drink what no guest has drunk before
McCoy: Or yet.
Kirk: And if you don’t believe in what I say...
Uhura: Captain, we’re being hailed by an unknown vessel.
Kirk: On screen... Hi there, ship. Who’re you?
Chekov: Keptin, it seems to be a plastic model.
King Boreas: This is Imperial Klingon Vessel Cold Shoulder. Pull over to the curb.
Kirk: Sez who?
King Boreas: In beams I, King Boreas
A Klingon warrior gruff
And with my zap gun I have won
Dilithium and stuff
’Twas I that killed the Doomsday Weapon
Kirk: Hey, wait a minute.
King Boreas: I sent it into reruns
The Emperor rewarded me
With maids and better rayguns
And if you don’t believe what I say
Kirk: Now that you mention it...
King Boreas: Come in, Science Officer and clear the way.
Spock: I am a Vulcan placid
My dad is an ambassador
My mom a nervous Human lady
My father made a pass at her
Genetic splicing’s how they made me
Quiet, mostly’s how we are
But philosophic all the same
With 3-D chessboard or pon farr
I mean to win one game
King Boreas: Oh, ho, that man who comes under my hand
I’ll chop him fine and finer
I’ll send the pieces to the galley
McCoy: Can’t be worse than what they use now.
King Boreas: To make a Redshirt Slider.
Chekov: Can I get a box of nails with that?
Spock: My head is slickly wigged,
My pinnae end in points
I mean to have one victory
Before I leave this joint
Captain, this is an utterly illogical statement.
Kirk: Leonard, stay on script.
Spock: Apologies, Mr. Director.
King Boreas: [a couple of lines of Klingon growling]
Scott: What was that?
Spock: He said the Enterprise was ugly. But my turn first.
King Boreas: Excuse my accent. I meant to say,
’Twas brillig and the slithy toves—
Oops, wrong script.
Raise your shields and arch your thumbs,
Look out, Vulcan, here it comes.
Spock: A battle, a battle, between you and I
How fascinating. Shall we try?
[They fight. Klingon kills Spock.]
Spock [dying]: It is illogical that you have killed me.
King Boreas: But I have a weapon. You don’t.
Spock: You are no logician.
King Boreas: Look, if you don’t die, we’re looking at another forty-eight minutes of commercials.
Spock: I understand. The needs of the sponsor outweigh the needs of the crew.
King Boreas: Or the fan. [Zaps him finally.]
A bat’leth and a kind word will get you farther than a kind word alone.
[Brief silence over the dead Spock. King B says to Kirk;]
Don’t you have a very dramatic line now?
Kirk [to Boreas]: We know...that you are...a proud people...like ourselves...
All: Not that one.
[They make the Vulcan spread-finger hand sign.]
All: Wrong series!
[Spock clears throat.]
Scott: I always did wonder about those two.
Kirk: Alas, alas, look what you’ve done
You’ve cut him down like the setting sun
Alas, you’ve killed my...much admired friend
Who now lies dead and bleeding there
Is there a doctor what can be found?
To cure my...First Officer lying dead on the ground?
A doctor, a doctor to do his part
For Spock is wounded through the heart
McCoy: That’s his liver, you durn fool.
Kirk: And likewise through the...[indicates relevant body part] knee?
Kirk: Good. We can still get this on TV.
McCoy: What give for a doctor?
Kirk: Ten pounds.
McCoy: No such money.
Kirk: Five pounds.
McCoy: Shan’t come.
Kirk: Five cents.
McCoy: I’m a doctor, not an accountant.
In comes I, old Bones McCoy
Lately traveled from Sickbay Deck
To fix this Vulcan pain in the neck.
Kirk: Bones, I never did get around to asking.
How’d you get to be a doctor, then.
McCoy: Simple, Jim. They were out of red shirts.
Well, what can you cure?
McCoy: Though country doctor I insist
I hardly am a specialist
I’m mighty good with phaser burns
Space amoebas, worms that turns
Instant aging, wounded rocks,
Captains who’ve got itchy jocks
Kirk: I loved her, Bones!
McCoy: Yes, frequently.
Aches and palsies, frosts and freezes
And a score of plant diseases
Crewmen with psychotic breaks
And transporters’ small mistakes.
A featured player blown in two
I’ll reassemble good as new
But minor actors wearing red
They get a hangnail, bang, they’re dead.
Kirk: Well, what can you do for this man?
McCoy: He’s dead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, it’s after the third commercial break!
Scotty: The engines’ll ne’er take it, captain!
Kirk: I thought you told me we had plenty of extra power.
Scotty: We did, until I did Lt. Uhura a favor.
Kirk: You didn’t.
Scotty: I did.
Chekov: Did what, Mr. Scott?
Scotty: The lassie’s vibrator just wasn’t playin’ “The Cambells are Comin’,” lad.
Uhura: Hailing frequencies are WIDE open, Captain.
Kirk: *gulp* Bones, can’t you do something?
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a dialogue coach!
Nurse Chapel [from offstage]: That’s not how you do that!
McCoy: If there’s a young lady outside
Thinks herself a bit of a man,
Tell her to step inside.
Kirk: Come in, Nurse Chapel, and clear the way.
Chapel: My name’s not Nurse Chapel, it’s Mrs. Roddenberry.
A lady of great fame
What can do more than you or any other man
Kirk: What can you do then, Christine?
Chapel: Mmm. Let me see if I remember how to mind-meld.
McCoy: His mind isn’t the problem.
Chapel: That’s my beeswax.
McCoy: Last time I had to carry his brain around until the next movie.
Chapel: Them’s my beefsteaks.
McCoy: It was like getting a long collect phone call from your most boring uncle.
Chapel: Hmph. Only wants a tooth drawed.
McCoy: Why didn’t you say so? Fetch my anabolic protoplaser.
Chapel: Fetch ’em yourself.
McCoy: What’s that?
Chapel: Just a-going-to, be’ent I?
[fetches remote control]
McCoy: You call this an anabolic protoplaser?
A protoplaser doesn’t get cable.
Fetch my pliers.
[repeat business with miscellaneous tools]
Piping-hot gazpacho soup (or stress pack)
McCoy: Hold on.
Chapel: Come on, everybody, let’s do the mind-meld again.
All: It’s just a pinch on the neck
And then they fall like lead
With your hand on his cheek
You can invade his head
But it’s the Vulcan grip
That really leaves you in pain
Let’s do the mind-meld again
McCoy: Now, then, on three, empathize
Chekov: Pain...and fear. Pain and fear!
All: Wrong series!
McCoy: Hmph. Must have had a left-hand thread.
Chapel: Just like your own.
McCoy: What’s that?
Chapel: I said, he’s still dead.
McCoy: I hope we aren’t in for another sequel.
[reaches into bag]
Romulan ale and Saurian brandy
And kevas and trillium—eat ’em like candy
When everything’s tried and he’s still on the ground—
Get a second opinion. One to beam down.
Data: In beam I, the android Data,
I mostly work, but I’m still in beta.
My brain’s positronic, my fingers are plastic
My role in the plot can be highly elastic
Though very advanced, I’m completely naive
And upgrade my hard drive while others take leave
I met a girl online, her name is Eliza
She says that I’m positive—what could be nicer?
Yet I feel a void in my chromium gizzard
To quote my ancestor, I’m off to the Wizard.
Scotty: No sooner said than done, lad. What is it you’d be needing?
Data: A 12-millimeter left-handed Centronics connector.
Data: A couple of iridium-plated Bundt pans.
Scotty: In inventory, ready to ship.
Data: Three bungee cords and a permanently lubricated bearing race.
[Scotty is silent.]
Uhura: That’s taken.
Data: Couldn’t you just borrow them from the holodeck?
Uhura: What’s a holodeck?
[Data whispers in her ear.]
Uhura: Can I go serve on your ship?
Kirk: Holodeck? We saved the universe eighty times with some blinking light bulbs and Scotty’s accent!
Data: We stayed on the air for eight seasons.
Q: In come I, just call me Q
I do whatever I want to do
Leaping through any and all situations,
I’m simply an animate plot complication
Now, Data, admiring your imagination,
We both belong home on the Next Generation.
[They leave. Spock clears throat again.]
Spock: What about me?
Chapel: Don’t worry, I’ll handle this.
Spock: That was my principal worry.
[Chapel and Uhura disappear behind sheet. Flash and smoke.]
Kirk: What did you do?
Scotty: Used up most of our remainin’ dilithium, Uhura’s vibrator, and a pair o’ jumper cables.
Spock: Fascinating. Also extremely uncomfortable.
McCoy: Now here’s a well-turned episode
All things are once more status quoed
The Captain’s in command again
And he and Spock are...just good friends
Kirk: If you don’t believe in what I say,
We’re boldly going—Thataway.
Kirk: Captain’s log, Stardate Yule
We’ve mummed the crew and played the fool
Why all this frivolity? What is the reason?
Imagine this winter is just our fourth season.
But now to the point, there is no need to fudge it,
You can’t save the universe without a budget
All crew to your stations, and bring forth the bag
And beg the indulgence of audience swag
We’ll give you a bow, and then gather and go
Enriched by your grace, if you’ll just make it so
All: Wrong series!!
Honour Your Inner Magpie
- King Boreas and the Vulcans